ANYWAY (I think this is the most frequently appearing word in these emails), last week I learned how much it sucks when vacation ends. I had a really good Pesach and got to do so many of those things that I love doing (excluding eating leaven of course) and then I had to go back to base. I wasnt sure if everyone hates returning to their regular life so much or whether it was just me, but it got me thinking about things I have been avoiding thinking about.
I know I have been avoiding talking about the army. In fact, I have even adopted a new policy and whenever anyone asks me what I do in the army I just say "I dont like to talk about it." Occasionally alternating that with an "I cant talk about it", but Im not a very good liar so I cant keep that up for very long. (Last week someone believed I was a pilot for a whole 2 minutes!). The truth is that nothing has changed, and I just dont know what to do about it. I say that I have called and harassed and begged everyone I could, and I really do feel like I have. Maybe there is more that I could have done, more that I could be doing, but it is really hard for me to be happy when I am spending all my time fighting and pushing and getting nowhere. I went into the army without a plan- or rather with a very Kfi "lets see where this goes" plan. And it did make sense to me, because I have seen so many people plan and plan and go in and end up somewhere they hated. I have friends who delayed going in for months in order to insure that they got into the unit they wanted. And then I have friends who knew what they wanted and cried and kicked and screamed until they got it. And I have friends who cried and kicked and screamed and still got screwed over.
I know that I have truly lucked out when it comes to the people I work with. I have heard horror stories from other soldiers in addition to the guys in my office repeatedly showing me what amazing people they are. They really watch out for me and help me with every hardship I face. They have even learned to interpret my quiet disappearances and force me to tell them what is wrong so that they can help fix it. Plus they can be alot of fun to work with.
Im nearing my six month mark in the army and dont really think I am any closer to getting a job. There has been alot of talk about making some sort of teaching position for me, but nothing really seems to be happening with it. I still meet people who check with their commanders to see if they can get me a job, but its always the same answer "You arent serving enough time." My commander is still trying to help me out, but I find it hard to stay motivated and ambitious. I worry that I am wasting time and wonder how I can make the best of a bad situation, what I am gaining from this, and how it is helping me.
My days are kept busy for the most part, whether it with field trips or assemblies or random tasks, but none of those things really create a feeling of accomplishment, and I dread ending my service without having actually done anything.
I dont really know why I am telling you all this, but I feel some need to be honest with the 40-odd friends and family who care so much about me that they read these weekly updates. I have been recieving plenty of advice on these issues as I spend way too much time with other lone-soldiers (many of whom are the yelling-fighting type I mentioned before) and I think that that is one of the reasons I stopped talking about it. Frequently the advice is "Yell more, fight harder" and that really just makes me feel like a failure, makes me feel like my yelling and fighting just isnt good enough to change my situation. When I think the truth is, that the army makes no sense. And some people have managed to work through the mess of a system and finagle their way into a job. And some havent. Maybe its a personality thing, maybe its just the luck of the draw, maybe I need to put my ambitious yelling self in charge even if it does make me sort of miserable. I dont really know. I know there needs to be a balance between "seeing how things work themselves out" and "taking charge of my life", but it can be a really fine line to walk sometimes.
So Im trying, so you know. And I do appreciate the support.
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