How do you say "dual-action cylinder" in Hebrew?

Shavua Tov and a Happy New Year (of trees that is)!

This Friday was Tu B'Shvat, the Jewish new year for trees. It is a festival of growth and nature and in more recent years- environmentalism. Last year, I celebrated by going to a Tu B'Shvat Seder- a meal of sorts with lots of symbolism- with a lot of hippies. It was a pretty cool experience in which I contemplated a lot of fruit and heard some pretty cool spiritual thoughts about winter (my favorite being that we all have to go through patches of cold and misery because it is during that time that we are preparing for the growth and warmth of spring. It is that time that not only makes us strong, but lets us truly appreciate the happy flowery turnaround.)

This year was a little different. I met up with a friend and we quite accidentally stumbled upon the Jerusalem Municipality celebration. They had my favorite pre-pubescent boys choir singing in little white tuxedos with red cummerbunds, and even better there was a fleet of oddly decorated men on stilts. They were wandering up and down Ben Yehuda street personifying various aspects of nature. There was a man covered in flowing white cloth and cherry blossoms, another who looked like he had been attacked by the fake flower section at Marshall's, and one who was dressed up as a tree with quite impressive foliage. A woman dressed as a giant strawberry was giving a speech from a balcony and showering her spectators with flowers, while the balcony next to her held some sort of wood nymph blowing bubbles. I was pet by a man in a flower pot, but unfortunately the picture was not taken on my camera, so I will have to show that to you at a later time.

The rest of the week was not quite so exciting. After a few days with the english teacher in my office it became quite clear that I am not in fact capable of teaching technical english in hebrew to people who do not speak a word of english (which really makes me doubt the advisability of letting them fix airplanes when they cant read the manuals, but that is another issue). So after a few meetings with my commander, I am slowly trying to get through the bureaucratic process of switching jobs. As I am slowly but surely learning how things work in the army, I also have been calling everyone I know in the army (and everyone they know in the army) and trying to get someone important enough interested in me enough to pull me into their job. I have been talking to a lot of people in the IDF spokespersons unit as well as in the Foreign Relations unit. It is very unclear who might be able to actually help me and how long it might take, and well, pretty much all the details are unclear. But as I spent the week vacuuming bird poop off of chairs, I am getting kind of desperate. 

That being said, it was not a bad week, and while my job or lack thereof is still frustrating, I am not letting it get me down and I am trying to enjoy the time I am spending where I am. It is charming company when they arent stripping, and I actually think they are going to miss me. Boris practically threw a hissy fit when I told him. 

It is hard for me to feel that I am wasting my time when there are many more productive things I can think of doing, but as I learned last year from some smelly hippies in Nachlaot, sometimes we have to work our way through the hard cold patches to get to the good stuff. I have faith that there is a reason I am where I am right now, but also understand that it is up to me to make something out of what and where Hashem puts me. If I want my situation in the army to change, it is up to me and me alone to make sure that it does. So I am going to keep pushing, keep calling, keep bugging, and keep trucking on. I feel very much like the little engine that could or Dory from Finding Nemo.

I think I can and Ill just keep swimming and I wish you all a wonderful week!

Conundrum is an understatement

This week the army was in its prime. My temporary status finally ended and I was sent back to the Yamam, who is in charge of sending soldiers to where they are needed. I was sent there after basic training and they sent me to the helicopter course. I was sent there after they kicked me out of the helicopter course and they tried to send me to Eilat. I argued, and they sent me for a week to the base I have been at for the past month. Luckily I have learned by now to sleep in and take my time getting there, as inevitably you end up sitting outside on a bench for three or four hours waiting to hear something like your name shouted from the incredibly fuzzy loudspeaker. 

So on Monday I packed my book, charged my ipod, woke up late and headed to Tel Aviv to see where they would try to send me now. Keep in mind, that for the past month I have been talking to the commander on my base about being an English teacher there, and had seemed to have put together a plan for me. But alas, man plans and the Yamam laughs. So when I finally got called in to talk to someone, I, well I think its best if I transcribe it for you:

Yamam: We are going to send you to be a secretary.

My Head: WTF???

My voice: Really? I thought I was going to be an english teacher.

Yamam: No, theres no chance you can be an english teacher.

My Head: WTF????

My Voice: Well, I was under the impression that I just spent a month on this base so that I could become an English teacher.

Yamam: Well who told you that?

My Head: You did you *&@#^*$&#*&@#!!!! Right after you wasted a month of my time sending me to a course I couldnt take. A-hole.

My Voice: Um, you did.

Yamam: Go wait outside.

So I went outside and immediatly called my commander and told him they had no idea what I was talking about. So he said he would call and I sat down to wait for another hour. Eventually they called me back in and told me to come back tomorrow and they would see if I could be an English teacher.

My commander called me back and told me that the English teaching office was on the same base and that I should go see them before going to the Yamam. So the next day I went and talked to them first and they told me all about the job- which is teaching english in hebrew (?) and then gave me a hebrew test that consisted of translating a paragraph. I then went to the Yamam, sat their until 2:30 and finally got called into the office. The man looked at me like we had never spoken of this before and said " We are going to send you to Chazor (my base) to be an English teacher, okay?". And I got my little paper and got all excited that I finally had a job.

So I go back to my base, spent all Wednesday meeting with all the various offices I needed to see to finish my clearance and showed up on Thursday ready to work.

On Thursday my commander called me into his office and said I had not passed my test and was not deemed qualified for the job they had already given me. But since he thinks I can do it, he will still let me, this just means I cant go to the course. 

So the army has given me a job they say I am not qualified for and therefore refuse to train me. Oh, the army...

Momma Week

This week was Ima Week. My mother arrived on Sunday and was super excited to see me despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that I was late picking her up from the airport. She was thrilled to be out of the freezing snow in Prague (where she had spent the previous week) and into the warm Middle-Eastern January of Jerusalem.

It was a quiet week ( I had off from the army, of course) as my mother was only interested in a) hanging out with me b) shopping and c) eating out. This was perfectly fine with me because not only did I get to see my mom, but I got lots of pretty new jewelry and ate like a kosher-abiding pig. Our days mainly consisted of: Sleep in, eat out, walk, shop, walk, eat, shop, walk, eat, shop, walk, eat, shop, eat, walk, sleep. It was pretty awesome. 

We did venture up to Tel Aviv on Tuesday where I took my mother to a dance show at the Suzanne Dellal Center for the Arts. The Center is located in one of the older neighborhoods of Tel Aviv that borders with Yaffo. It is beautiful and historical and after reading Exodus, I am much more appreciative of the fact that Tel Aviv was the first all-Jewish city built in Israel. It was also nice to get out of Jerusalem and join into the beautiful, exciting art scene up in Tel Aviv. I began to wonder why I don't spend more time in Tel Aviv. Then, after trying four different restaurants and failing to find any kosher ones, we finally sat down and had ice cream for dinner and I remembered why I don't like Tel Aviv. The dancing however, was quite spectacular. But then again, it was the Jerusalem School for the Arts...

Other than that, it was mostly shopping and eating. I got to have burgers, sushi, mac and cheese, salmon stir fry, ice cream, hot cocoa, donuts, poached fish on a bed of something fancy, squash soup and all sorts of delicious salads. I ate like a queen this week :)

I also got to hear from my mother all about what Jerusalem was like in the 70's when she was first here and how much it has grown since then. 

Anyway, my mother took off last night and all I am left with is a bunch of dirty sheets and some awesome new necklaces. (Not to mention the suitcase of supplies she brought me from America- Thanks Ima!!). It was kind of a whirlwind of a week. It felt so natural to have her here that I havent quite processed the fact that she is gone again. Or that it is almost Shabbat. Really didnt think about that at all this week, so now I have to go get ready.

Spacing out can be dangerous

Not much happened this week except for the ridiculous story that I am about to tell. It seems almost definite that I will be staying in the office I am currently in and will be trained to be an english teacher. I will be teaching officers, which should be fun, and thank the lord, there will be another teacher joining me. Why am I so excited for her to come? Well this week I truly learned what it meant to be the only woman in an office full of men. I was aware of this fact before, as the most common topic of discussion in our office is poop (which I unfortunatly cannot tune out as it is always accompanied with sound effects) but this week we reached a whole new level. The underwear level.

It started on Monday. I was sitting in my usual chair which faces the whole office and gives me a view of each of the three desks. There is one corner of the room that I cant see from there which is the space behind my commanders desk. There were a few people in the office talking, and I was reading my book as usual. My commander, Roi, apparently forgot I was in the room and began to change into his jumpsuit. As he was standing in that conveniently invisible corner, I was unaware of his state of undress until he walked out from behind his desk and yelled "Kfirah! I forgot you were here!" At which point I looked up and got a full frontal view of his red underwear. He is a briefs man, I learned, before running out of the office laughing. 

Now this was funny, it was an obvious accident (though I dont know why none of the other guys in the office didnt mention that I was there), and everytime Roi retold the story his facial expressions got better.

On Tuesday, I was wandering through the building looking for Boris, and stuck my head into one of the offices, to once again find myself facing an underwear clad man. As this was one of the older and religious men in the office, I quickly retreated muttering to myself about closing doors and didnt say anything.

Until Wednesday, when Almog, my other commander, proceeded to change in the room without warning me going so far as to shake his butt in my direction as he walked by. Luckily, Im a space cadet, and missed most of the show. But when they saw me covering my eyes (once I had noticed) and heard my short rant about too many naked men in the office, they seemed to remember that I am religious and that all the exhibition might make me uncomfortable. I did not discourage their thinking.

Almog apparently still thinks it is funny, for on Thursday he once again failed to give me warning when he began to change, but having become more attuned to the state of dress in the office, I noticed before the pants came off and turned away. 

It seems that my next nine months here will be fraught with more peril that I had imagined. 

Speaking of peril, I have another funny story. I dont know whether they are still broadcasting all those commercials about the dangers of texting and driving, but you should believe them all!! Texting is super dangerous. Had I been driving home tonight I would have died. As I dont have a car, I was simply texting while walking home, which proves to be similarly dangerous. As I learned when I walked into a tree.

So lessons of the week:

1) Pay attention to the presence of pants

2) Dont text while in forward motion

Warning: I get kind of sappy when I reminisce

Believe it or not, it has been a whole year since I moved here and started sending these emails. Crazy, right?

I was reminiscing a bit this week, helped in part by my four friends that just made aliyah on Wednesday. I went to greet them at the airport, and even though they had a much more impressive ceremony than I did, it was still a weird flashback. It feel pretty cool to be able to help them and talk to them about all the fears and worries and technicalities that plague new olim. Its kind of weird to realize that I am now the experienced one, despite the fact that it all still feels like a new adventure.

I was thinking about going back and talking about how I feel differently and what things no longer bother me and what things I have found that I love. But it came out kind of silly. Because the truth is, what I am figuring out more and more every day is that it doesnt matter if the banks charge you for everything or if theres not good cheddar cheese here or even if the army has lost me in their maze of paperwork and left me at a job where I dont really do anything.

Because last night I had a party celebrating my aliyahversary and I was surrounded by friends. I had old friends, and friends that are really family, and friends I barely know, and friends I have made in the past year. And they all came for me, they came because they are proud of me or support me, or just wanted to hang out with me. And that is all that really matters.

This was a hard year, I have told you some of it, but the worst moments never quite made it into email form. But I can look back and see where it started to change, where I started to be happier and feel more fulfilled, and it was when I- how did Ron put it- built a community of people around me that I care about. And that care about me. The hardest thing to leave was you- all of you that care about me and that I care about. And a year later, I can say that that circle has grown to include the geographic area in which I now reside :)