Brain-tired should be a term

I apologize if I fail to formulate thoughts or sentences. I think my brain has finally stormed out in frustration with the hoops I have made it run through this week.

It started on Sunday, when I went back to my base for the first time since my Shmirot (guard duty). I decided to go and talk to the Rabbi on base about what happened to me on Shabbat. We ended up having a 40-min discussion that upset me for the rest of the day. The argument that he made, which I actually respect, is that just because I don't agree with their interpretation of halacha, does not mean that I cannot respect it. They were not trying to offend me, they were trying to follow the laws as they understand them. My counterargument, which the Rabbi did hear and agree with me, is that the army is not Mea Shearim, and while I might have to live by their standards of halacha when on their territory, their job when they come to base for Shabbat is to bring a Shabbat environment to all the soldiers. And while they were more than willing to accept men at any level of religious observance, they were not accepting of women at all. He agreed with me and said he would talk to the yeshiva that sent them, but there was an attitude of acceptance that really upset me. I remained upset when I returned to my office and ended up getting caught crying by my co-workers. And what I found is that even among the non-religious, there is an attitude of complacence towards the ultra-religious. One of the girls in my office had actually been in a car that had been stoned on Shabbat, and still, she treats me and other religious Jews with respect and understanding. 

When I moved here I thought it would be so much easier to be religious. And in a way, it is. I will never have to worry about working on Shabbat, I will never have to arrange my course schedule's around the Jewish holidays. My children will grow up in an environment where they wont be embarrassed to be shomer negiyah and learning Torah can be cool. But as I learn more and more about the religious world here, I find that it is much harder to accept the religious attitudes and divisions here. Ignoring the stereotypes and misconceptions and negative attitudes dividing the religious and non-religious, the way the religious people turn against each other and judge each other... it embarrasses me. We do not respect each other and we judge others for not practicing Judaism the way that we do. We categorize everyone by the way they dress and how often they pray and what type of kippah they wear. And it pains me. It pains me to be disrespected and it pains me to see how we treat each other. I came to a place where I could raise my children surrounded by their nation, by a Jewish family, and I find myself rejected by the very people that I consider my "family".

Sorry, I have rambled on again about a subject that is important to me, but somewhat dreary and depressing. I will move on to the next obstacle my brain faced this week.

On Tuesday I took an "occupational exam" that tested my strengths and will supposedly tell me what I am good at and where I should work. I mean I could have told them that I am not good at math and physics without sitting through a few hours of testing, but it was kind of fun to challenge my brain. I haven't done arithmetic without a calculator in over 5 years, so that was interesting. Plus there was a fun part of the exam that tested creativity and I enjoyed that part. But it was a full day exam and my brain was hurting by the end.

On Wednesday I went to Haifa to learn more about the creative therapies Master's program I am interested in. I spoke to the not so nice secretary and a few of the students and then embarked on a two-day frenzy in which I attempted to register for four online classes that I need to have finished by October in order to start the program in the fall. It was intense. I failed. So I will now be taking the next year to complete these four classes and apply for Fall 2011. Which means I am going to have to get a job. But Im not there yet. As I said, my brain has retired for the weekend, and there is no bringing her back until she's ready.

Thank God for Shabbat. 

My hairdresser tells me to eat more red meat

It appears that even my most epic emails are small tidbits compared to the novels that Dov Lerner writes. Ah well, Im okay with that. And Im sure y'all prefer the shorter versions. Lucky for you, this week was incredibly uneventful compared to last week.

Basically, there was Shavuot and then a day off where I did not know what to do with myself and then it was Friday. Sweet.

Points of interest included:

1. I sadly said goodbye to my friend Ari who headed back to the States after cruelly allowing me to become accustomed to his presence here. (Ari, I dont really think you are cruel, I am just going to miss having you here with me.) Another one bites the dust (and by "bites the dust" I mean "moves to NY").

2. David and Davida are back!! They ran off to India for like, ever/ five months, but have finally returned home (to a new half caravan in Alon Shvut) and I am happy. 

3. After failing to accomplish anything yesterday, I was feeling drastic and chopped off all my hair. Enjoy the pics.

That was pretty much it. How wonderfully uneventful, right?

Longest week ever or I hate flies and Sephardi men

"Anything one thinks about alot becomes problematic". 

So said Nietzsche, whose name is annoying to pronounce and spell, but was very right in this matter, as I learned this week. Because this week I did alot of thinking. Due to intense and overwhelming boredom. (Boredom, by the way, is one of those words like "eloquent" that fits its definition perfectly). I thought circles around the big problems in my life like grad school and boys. I delved into some more depressing subjects like living the rest of my life in a different country than my family and wondering whether I will ever be able to yell back at people in Hebrew. I pondered on the small pleasures in life like a breeze when its freaking hot and the wonderful canteen worker who brought me treats every time she went through the gate I was guarding. I spent an unusually large amount of time thinking about inane subjects like Oconomowoc, WI (where my magazines are made) and how the reality of ants in your pants is not as funny as it sounds. In fact, it got to the point where I actually ran out of things to space out about. I finally understand what Ari and Ayton were talking about when they told me that sometimes, boys really just aren't thinking about anything at all. 

So why all the free thinking time? Because all I did this week was guard and sleep. Which unfortunately cannot be done at the same time. Other things that you are not allowed to do on guard duty:

- Eat (which I did repeatedly after my first shift when I apparently complained to so many people that I was hungry that the rest of the week they all brought me food.) 

- Talk on the phone (which I also did repeatedly because COME ON! I was guarding from 2-6 am and in clear danger of falling asleep. Plus, it was ideal talking to America time. Shout out to Yael Skversky who once again proved her awesomeness by calling me every night this week)

 -Listen to music (although singing is allowed, as well as listening to the other guards sing) 

- Sitting at the same time that the other guard is sitting (which only ever proved to be a problem with Maxim, who insisted on sitting on the curb/floor/desk and leading me to play this "jump up every time he sits down" game. Which was not fun)

- Reading/writing/praying (all of which I did anyway)

- Smoking (which I did not do, but got on the good side of my fellow guards by covering for them when they did)

(Please dont let this change your opinion of how hard the Israeli army is working. It is obviously a very efficient and well run institution.)

When I wasnt guarding (I did 6 hrs on, 6 hrs off, 4 hrs on, 7 hrs off), it was eat, pray, sleep (less exciting than the more popular "eat, pray, love"). Shabbat was the only change in this. I had to close Shabbat on base (my first since Basic Training) and was less than thrilled about that, but at least I did not have to do the 6 hour day shift, because that gate was closed on the weekend. As I have mentioned before, it is not so easy to be a religious girl in the army, so I was kind of nervous about spending Shabbat on base, but I was going to be able to make it to synagogue and my one friend on base (outside of my office) was also closing Shabbat, so I tried to be optimistic. 

That kinda went down the crapper on Friday when I was called and yelled at because the logic I had been using- my gate is closed, thus I have no guard duty- was wrong. I was supposed to be at the other gate from 12:30 to 6:30 pm. I didnt get in trouble (probably as a result of my fumbling Hebrew as I tried to explain that there were alot of things I had missed in our 20 min "Welcome to Guard Duty" lecture) but this did mean that I was getting off duty 30 min before Shabbat started. I managed to shower, made it to shul, and had the pleasure of company in the women's section. 

Dinner was gross and I got questioned for making my own kiddush, but I sat with my friend Chen and her friends and it wasnt too bad. Then Chen decided to slip off base and go home because she was sick of being on base and I was left alone :( Since I had to wake up at 2am to go guard, I made the best of the situation and went to bed. I read the parsha while I guarded, and went to Shacrit (morning services) afterward. I was the only woman there and after we had finished one of the guys invited me to come with them to say kiddush. It was pretty awkward as I didnt know any of them and no one really talked to me, but I had an impromptu lunch with about ten guys and the two rabbinical students who were brought to the base to bring a Shabbaty-environment with them. After my nap I went back to synagogue for Mincha (afternoon prayer) and planned on staying for Seudah Shlishit (dinner) and Maariv (evening prayer). There was one other woman at Mincha and I asked her to stay with me as lunch was kind of awkward. 

This was the worst part of my entire Shabbat. Long story short, the rabbinical students would not let us sit at the same table as the men for dinner. They claimed that it was immodest for us to eat together, told me that they shouldnt have let me sit with them for lunch, and said that if we wanted to stay, we would have to sit at another table on the side. I would like to say that I argued with them, showing my fluency in the language and my superior knowledge of Halacha, teaching them an important lesson about including women in the community. But what really ended up happening was that I became more angry and more upset, lost all my Hebrew, started crying and couldnt get out anything stronger than "You are wrong. This is wrong". 

I have never, NEVER been asked to eat a different table, and I have eaten with countless Rabbis and even a few Charedim. These men were brought to base to help the soldiers connect with Shabbat and feel the Kedusha (holiness) of the day even when they are surrounded by people who are not keeping Shabbat. I have kept Shabbat in a house full of Christians, in a hotel by myself, and out in the woods. This was by far my worst Shabbat ever. The very people I had been depending on to help me feel Shabbat rejected me and sent me off to the side as if I was something dirty and impure. As if my presence contaminated them. 

I limped through my last two shifts and thanked God when Sunday morning came around and I got to hand in my gun, change out of my stinking uniform and head out on a two day trip with everyone in my office. I was exhausted and emotionally drained, but everyone else was very excited and the feeling spread. I totally failed to sleep in the car on the way north as I sat next to Shachaf, who reminded me oh so much of my little brothers. He tapped me every three minutes because he was bored (Barak), sang the Hebrew version of "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" (Rafi), tried to get everyone in the car to play a game with him (Barak) and tried to start a fight with me by telling me that we should just kill all the Arabs (Rafi). In fact, he reminded me so much of our old family roadtrips that I just laughed at him and taught him the english version of the song. 

When we got up North it was stiflingly hot but we very quickly changed into swimwear and headed out on a 2 hour inflatable kayaking trip. We were paired into boats and I ended up with Boris. (Not quite sure how this happened, but there is a running joke now that we are going to get married. Im really hoping he doesnt take it too seriously.) I successfully attacked three other boats, but Boris was a very bad partner and kept abandoning me in the water. Its not totally his fault, since I kept launching myself into the water and he doesnt really understand how to row, but still. Came out soaking and exhausted and had a great time.

At this point my mother expects me to insert a long rant about the beach where we (for some god-forsaken reason) decided to spend the night. It was to include a section about disgusting Israelis who leave their garbage everywhere with a special focus on the dried up chicken bones all over the beach, and then lead onto a long winded complaint about the horrible heat and lack of western wimps (I mean wind, but it is a joke for my dad). And I was going to conclude the whole thing with a rant about the flies that almost drove me to insanity (Oh the flies! The flies!!). But soon after I hung up with my mother the sun set, the flies went away and the four bottles of water I had chugged finally fought off the affects of dehydration. Then my commander came back from the hospital (he had jammed his finger kayaking and was afraid it was broken), we started barbequing, setup a generator and a DVD player (because who doesnt bring all the props for karaoke when they go camping on the beach?) and sang and ate and danced into the odd hours of the night. We were all filthy and sweaty and gross, but the flies were gone (seriously, they were ALL OVER us before) and everyone started being their less-exhausted ridiculous selves so we had a good time. I went to bed at 4 after telling Boris I was sorry, but just really couldnt stay up all night with him, and we all woke up around 7. 

We booked it out of there the next morning as the flies had returned and headed out to the next part of our trip- Jeeping. It was kind of cool, but mostly just driving down unnecessarily bumpy roads in a part of Israel that used to be Syria. Lots of driving and waiting for buses later I got home, walked straight into the shower and started the process of feeling like a person again.